Well, I obviously haven't posted in a while. It's been an interesting few weeks... I haven't wanted to write negative things on this blog, as to not come across as a husband bashing session. And, it just so happens, that that's why I haven't written for a while--I've felt very negative about this whole thing lately. However, I decided today that these negative feelings, and difficult times, are all part of the learning experience. I'm going to share them, not to complain, but to hopefully help those of you who are having the same feelings--to know you're not alone.
I can't remember if I mentioned that I'm a nurse. I know that when people receive diagnoses, they go through different stages of dealing with it. I didn't anticipate going through those stages with this diagnosis though--I should have--but I didn't. So, when Blake was first diagnosed, we were both almost excited because we now knew the reasons for so many things that have happened in our lives up to that point. We eagerly studied and talked about Asperbergers, coming up with ideas and making plans about how we were both going to deal with it personally and as a couple. We both envisioned a better life because of this new discovery.
Then, as I mentioned in another post, I started feeling angry and feeling sorry for myself (which actually hasn't gone away yet, unfortunately). And, Blake kept learning about things, but in a more casual way. I was still trying to help in the ways we'd discussed, but he stopped responding the help. He started sliding back into his old ways of doing things--not too bad, and certainly not as bad as before the diagnosis--but definitely sliding back. I started getting more frustrated and started losing some hope of things really improving with our relationship.
After that'd gone on for a bit, I noticed Blake acting very lackadaisical about the whole thing--he no longer wanted to talk to the kids about anything; he would say he didn't want to do things (like going to a neighbor's very casual-quick-unintimidating open house on a Sunday evening) and not seem to even be bothered one bit that it went against what we'd agreed on; he went back to not trying to do things for the kids if it was inconvenient (like not helping our daughter when she was stuck on a steep hill in a snow storm), and again being totally fine with it.
With him acting like that, I just kept getting angrier and angrier and more and more hopeless for our future. I tried to talk to him about it, but he had this kind of obstinate attitude about it--like this is just how he was and I needed to accept it and deal with it.
So, it seems like we've gone through the following stages thus far:
Stage 1: relief, excitement, hope (both of us)
Stage 2: learning and making plans for improvement (both of us)
Stage 3: anger and resentment (me--Blake went through this during stage 2 somewhat)
Stage 4: lackadaisical and lack of desire for improvement (Blake)
Stage 5: frustration and hopelessness (me)
Stage 6: TBD :)
We went to the psychiatrist yesterday and Blake actually admitted to him that for the past couple of weeks he's thought to himself, "I don't want to go to that open house; I'm an Aspie; she'll have to understand and accept it and realize she's just going to be going to things by herself." And when other things would come up--same thing--"I'm an Aspie, this is just how I am, people will have to accept it." On one hand I was actually proud of him for acknowledging that; on the other hand it frustrated the heck out of me because all of those great plans we made about how to help each other, had gone down the drain. And, to top it all off, he's been blaming me (as usual) for issues these past couple weeks--like he's just fine and what's my problem--why am I depressed and discouraged and stressed and not feeling well--why can't I get my act together--and all along he knew and was aware of what he was doing. He'd been telling himself that he's an Aspie and that's just how he was going to be. I guess maybe it wouldn't have been quite as hard on me if he hadn't been making me out to be the bad guy all along--if he would've admitted that that's what he was doing and thinking. (Luckily, the psychiatrist told Blake that he absolutely could not do that--that if we'd agreed on things, and that if his kids are in need--he has to do it, whether he feels like it or not.)
So, honestly, I'm at a point right now, where I'm truly wondering if I can keep this up for another 40 years or so of my life. I'm wondering if I can do this for another month of my life. I feel like it is taking such a huge toll on my health--both physically, mentally and emotionally. I feel like I'm suffocating and dying inside--I feel alone, abandoned, not loved or cared for, tired--like just truly exhausted--from trying so hard and running into brick walls over and over and over again.
The psychiatrist told me that I can't take Blake's behaviors and comments personally. I know he's right. I know that each of us are responsible for our own selves, despite what's happening around us--part of overcoming the natural man. I want to do that. I've tried to do that for so long. I've been successful at times. But, right now, I just feel tired and completely spent. And the thought of having to deal with this for another 40 some years feels like too daunting of a task--look what 26 years has already done to me.
However--I don't believe that divorce is the answer. I KNOW Blake and I are supposed to be married; I always go back to how very strong the Spirit was in the temple the day we were sealed. I've had feelings that one of the things I'm to do in this life is care for him and help him. I believe that it'll all be worth it in the end, when we're in the Celestial Kingdom together, as a family, with our imperfections gone and living for an eternity together. I guess I'm just wondering if I can make it--if I can keep caring for him, without having somebody to care for me and my needs.
I do have a testimony of my Savior--that He suffered for me--that He already went through this exact pain that I'm experiencing right now, my exact feelings in this exact situation--for me, me personally. I know that if I can increase my faith and dependence on Him, that He'll take this pain from me and help me through. As I'm writing this, I do have the feeling that I need to go back to attending the temple every week--no matter what. I know that when I've done that in the past, I've received so much extra strength and my perspective was more clear.
Ya know--another thought just came to me. I may just have to accept that I won't have a spouse to love and care for me (in the way that I'd always envisioned and hoped for) in this life. Just like--wonderful sisters who don't get the chance to marry in this life. Just like--wonderful couples who don't get the opportunity to have children in this life. We all have our hardships that refine us and make us who we are; who Heavenly Father and Jesus need us to be. Maybe this is for me to truly learn to be healthy: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, despite what's happening around me. Maybe it's to help me to develop true charity for somebody who doesn't reciprocate like I think he should (I think I've talked about that before). Maybe it's to help me learn patience and determination--determination to do what's right (not get divorced, attend the temple weekly, keep reading my scriptures and praying daily, etc), even when it's incredibly difficult. Just like those single sisters in the Church who learn to accept that they don't have a husband or children (which would be much more difficult than what I'm going through), and look forward to the eternities for those blessings, I too need to stay positive and look forward to the eternities where I'll have a husband who will show love and care and concern for me and our family, in the way I've hoped for.
Now--my job is to make this all come to pass! :) I know it's going to be a lifetime of work for me. I hope I'm up to it; I hope I can depend more on my Savior; I hope I can stick to doing the things I know will help me.
Lessons Trying-to-be-Learned:
1. It's normal to go through different stages of accepting and dealing with diagnoses
2. Accept that we won't always have things the way we want them in this life--some things have to wait until the next life.
3. Depend completely on the Savior
4. Remember our purpose on Earth--to learn and grow and become more like our Heavenly Father and Savior. Look at hardships in this light--let them refine us, not ruin us.
