Well, I obviously haven't posted in a while. It's been an interesting few weeks... I haven't wanted to write negative things on this blog, as to not come across as a husband bashing session. And, it just so happens, that that's why I haven't written for a while--I've felt very negative about this whole thing lately. However, I decided today that these negative feelings, and difficult times, are all part of the learning experience. I'm going to share them, not to complain, but to hopefully help those of you who are having the same feelings--to know you're not alone.
I can't remember if I mentioned that I'm a nurse. I know that when people receive diagnoses, they go through different stages of dealing with it. I didn't anticipate going through those stages with this diagnosis though--I should have--but I didn't. So, when Blake was first diagnosed, we were both almost excited because we now knew the reasons for so many things that have happened in our lives up to that point. We eagerly studied and talked about Asperbergers, coming up with ideas and making plans about how we were both going to deal with it personally and as a couple. We both envisioned a better life because of this new discovery.
Then, as I mentioned in another post, I started feeling angry and feeling sorry for myself (which actually hasn't gone away yet, unfortunately). And, Blake kept learning about things, but in a more casual way. I was still trying to help in the ways we'd discussed, but he stopped responding the help. He started sliding back into his old ways of doing things--not too bad, and certainly not as bad as before the diagnosis--but definitely sliding back. I started getting more frustrated and started losing some hope of things really improving with our relationship.
After that'd gone on for a bit, I noticed Blake acting very lackadaisical about the whole thing--he no longer wanted to talk to the kids about anything; he would say he didn't want to do things (like going to a neighbor's very casual-quick-unintimidating open house on a Sunday evening) and not seem to even be bothered one bit that it went against what we'd agreed on; he went back to not trying to do things for the kids if it was inconvenient (like not helping our daughter when she was stuck on a steep hill in a snow storm), and again being totally fine with it.
With him acting like that, I just kept getting angrier and angrier and more and more hopeless for our future. I tried to talk to him about it, but he had this kind of obstinate attitude about it--like this is just how he was and I needed to accept it and deal with it.
So, it seems like we've gone through the following stages thus far:
Stage 1: relief, excitement, hope (both of us)
Stage 2: learning and making plans for improvement (both of us)
Stage 3: anger and resentment (me--Blake went through this during stage 2 somewhat)
Stage 4: lackadaisical and lack of desire for improvement (Blake)
Stage 5: frustration and hopelessness (me)
Stage 6: TBD :)
We went to the psychiatrist yesterday and Blake actually admitted to him that for the past couple of weeks he's thought to himself, "I don't want to go to that open house; I'm an Aspie; she'll have to understand and accept it and realize she's just going to be going to things by herself." And when other things would come up--same thing--"I'm an Aspie, this is just how I am, people will have to accept it." On one hand I was actually proud of him for acknowledging that; on the other hand it frustrated the heck out of me because all of those great plans we made about how to help each other, had gone down the drain. And, to top it all off, he's been blaming me (as usual) for issues these past couple weeks--like he's just fine and what's my problem--why am I depressed and discouraged and stressed and not feeling well--why can't I get my act together--and all along he knew and was aware of what he was doing. He'd been telling himself that he's an Aspie and that's just how he was going to be. I guess maybe it wouldn't have been quite as hard on me if he hadn't been making me out to be the bad guy all along--if he would've admitted that that's what he was doing and thinking. (Luckily, the psychiatrist told Blake that he absolutely could not do that--that if we'd agreed on things, and that if his kids are in need--he has to do it, whether he feels like it or not.)
So, honestly, I'm at a point right now, where I'm truly wondering if I can keep this up for another 40 years or so of my life. I'm wondering if I can do this for another month of my life. I feel like it is taking such a huge toll on my health--both physically, mentally and emotionally. I feel like I'm suffocating and dying inside--I feel alone, abandoned, not loved or cared for, tired--like just truly exhausted--from trying so hard and running into brick walls over and over and over again.
The psychiatrist told me that I can't take Blake's behaviors and comments personally. I know he's right. I know that each of us are responsible for our own selves, despite what's happening around us--part of overcoming the natural man. I want to do that. I've tried to do that for so long. I've been successful at times. But, right now, I just feel tired and completely spent. And the thought of having to deal with this for another 40 some years feels like too daunting of a task--look what 26 years has already done to me.
However--I don't believe that divorce is the answer. I KNOW Blake and I are supposed to be married; I always go back to how very strong the Spirit was in the temple the day we were sealed. I've had feelings that one of the things I'm to do in this life is care for him and help him. I believe that it'll all be worth it in the end, when we're in the Celestial Kingdom together, as a family, with our imperfections gone and living for an eternity together. I guess I'm just wondering if I can make it--if I can keep caring for him, without having somebody to care for me and my needs.
I do have a testimony of my Savior--that He suffered for me--that He already went through this exact pain that I'm experiencing right now, my exact feelings in this exact situation--for me, me personally. I know that if I can increase my faith and dependence on Him, that He'll take this pain from me and help me through. As I'm writing this, I do have the feeling that I need to go back to attending the temple every week--no matter what. I know that when I've done that in the past, I've received so much extra strength and my perspective was more clear.
Ya know--another thought just came to me. I may just have to accept that I won't have a spouse to love and care for me (in the way that I'd always envisioned and hoped for) in this life. Just like--wonderful sisters who don't get the chance to marry in this life. Just like--wonderful couples who don't get the opportunity to have children in this life. We all have our hardships that refine us and make us who we are; who Heavenly Father and Jesus need us to be. Maybe this is for me to truly learn to be healthy: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, despite what's happening around me. Maybe it's to help me to develop true charity for somebody who doesn't reciprocate like I think he should (I think I've talked about that before). Maybe it's to help me learn patience and determination--determination to do what's right (not get divorced, attend the temple weekly, keep reading my scriptures and praying daily, etc), even when it's incredibly difficult. Just like those single sisters in the Church who learn to accept that they don't have a husband or children (which would be much more difficult than what I'm going through), and look forward to the eternities for those blessings, I too need to stay positive and look forward to the eternities where I'll have a husband who will show love and care and concern for me and our family, in the way I've hoped for.
Now--my job is to make this all come to pass! :) I know it's going to be a lifetime of work for me. I hope I'm up to it; I hope I can depend more on my Savior; I hope I can stick to doing the things I know will help me.
Lessons Trying-to-be-Learned:
1. It's normal to go through different stages of accepting and dealing with diagnoses
2. Accept that we won't always have things the way we want them in this life--some things have to wait until the next life.
3. Depend completely on the Savior
4. Remember our purpose on Earth--to learn and grow and become more like our Heavenly Father and Savior. Look at hardships in this light--let them refine us, not ruin us.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
When Family Doesn't Understand
This might be a weird place to start, but it's what's on my mind most heavily right now. I'll go back and fill you in on the experiences we've had in the past, in another post.
So, when we found out about Blake's diagnosis, I assumed (which was my first mistake) that we'd talk about it and let it all sink in for a bit, and learn more about it, before we told our children. (Most of our kids are grown and out of the house now.) Well, we had dinner that evening with one of our sons and his wife. We were just talking about every day things, when Blake blurted out, "I have Aspergers." What?!? Totally took us ALL by surprise! :) I couldn't believe he just told them like that--but then realized that it fit right in with his newly discovered diagnosis. :) Not understanding social norms? Check. :) The kids and I were laughing and he had no idea what was so funny. I told him that it might have been better to announce something like that in a different setting and maybe with all of the kids together. He said, "Oh, I didn't think it was a big deal." I love my Aspie husband!
So, over the next few days, we let the other kids know, but still hadn't had a real discussion with them about it. We then discovered that a couple of our kids didn't believe that the diagnosis was true. In fact, one of them actually thought it was me that came up with the diagnosis and that I convinced Blake and the psychiatrist that my husband had AS.
I was pretty devastated to find out about this child's views on this. I have to admit, I had a little pity party. I was feeling so hurt that I'd tried, for 26 years, to protect our kids from knowing what Blake was really like--his insensitivities to them and me, his selfishness, his dishonesties, his controlling-ness, etc. And, now that we actually know what's going on, my kids (well at least one of them) are blaming me?! I'd lived my whole married life with Blake blaming me for everything and now my child, whom I thought I was very close to, is blaming me as well. This child made it seem like Blake was the poor picked on husband, and I was the mean wife, bullying him around. It was a hard pill to swallow.
I then started getting upset with Blake for things that I'd already worked through in the past and had forgiven him of. I knew this was wrong, but it was just so terribly upsetting to me to know that my kids look at me the way this child had explained--that I over exaggerate everything; that I'm always looking for diagnoses to excuse things; that it's me who has the problem; that I need to quit trying to fix others and worry about myself, etc. So many of those things are things Blake has expressed to me, privately, in front of the kids, and directly to them. I had always thought that he wanted the kids see the bad in me, to make himself look better. Now, I knew it'd worked, at least at some level. Again, hard pill to swallow.
Well, Blake was actually very nice and supportive during this little pity party I was having. :) He's been reading and studying so many things about AS, and he really put them into practice that day! I was so thankful for that. I know he's working so hard at figuring out how to show support, even when he doesn't feel it emotionally like non-Aspies do. He did a great job that day!
Later that night, I prayed. I didn't just pray though, I literally poured out my heart and soul to my Heavenly Father--literally cried out to Him in anguish, like I've only done a few times in my life. I told Him everything I was feeling--even the self pity stuff. :) I pleaded for help to know how to help my children see things for what they truly are. I wanted my kids to love me and recognize everything I've done for them throughout their lives--that all I have lived for all these years is them, etc.
Well, while I was praying, I had an amazing experience. I won't share the details as to how the experience occurred, as it's very sacred and special to me. However, I will share what I learned and how my feelings changed. I'm actually just going to quote from what I wrote in my journal that night.
"I've done all of this same stuff to my Heavenly Father and Savior. I have thought and felt, at times, that my life is terrible, that I'm alone, that I've lost hope, faith and trust. And all along Heavenly Father and my Savior are there, knowing that They've done so much for me; that They've loved me and tried to help me. But I haven't always recognized it and have thought I could do it on my own. I haven't always expressed my gratitude. Sometimes I've depended on the wrong things/people, instead of my Heavenly Father. I also thought of Nephi and his brothers. He did so much for them and they didn't recognize or appreciate it. But--Heavenly Father and Jesus always love me! They are always there for me. They recognize that I'm still a "kid" and am still learning. Nephi always loved and forgave his brothers and hoped they'd come around. I need to do the same with my kids--as they really are still kids, even if they are adults. They don't fully understand things. They haven't recognized all of the things I've done for them, but I did it out of love for them, not recognition, and will continue to do so. I'll always be here for them with open arms--as my Heavenly Father and Savior are for me. I'm so grateful to learn this today. I'm grateful to feel a tiny bit of what Heavenly Father and Jesus feel when all of us do these things to Them--it makes me feel a little closer to Them and to have more opportunities to try to be more like Them. That's what this life is all about! Line upon line, precept upon precept. How grateful I am for the Holy Ghost who helps me learn these things and helps me feel peace even though life gets pretty tough. I'm so grateful for my Heavenly Father and Savior who truly know me and love me, care for me and listen to me, watch our for me and teach me, and have faith and patience in me."
I don't know if that all makes sense the way I was feeling it. I hope there's something in there that will help some of you, if you're experiencing the same things.
Blake and I decided that he's going to continue his studies (he wants to make sure he has "all of his ducks in a row" before he talks to them), and when he feels ready, we'll bring the family together and discuss AS. Blake will do all of the talking, so the kids know that he knows this is real and true. Blake has told me that it is important to him that the kids accept him as an Aspie--that that's really who he is--so they'll understand him/know him better. I hope and pray that they will--for Blake's sake, not mine!
Lessons Learned:
1. Don't tell your kids things until you're prepared properly--emotionally, intellectually, spiritually.
2. When announcing something like this, bring your family together to have a discussion about it. That way, they can ask questions and get their information straight from you, not coming up with their own, sometimes false, conclusions.
3. Do things out of love for others, never for recognition. That way, if it's accepted that's great; if it's not accepted, it's still great!
4. Show gratitude, always, to God and Jesus for everything They do for us--the things we are aware of and the things we're not aware of.
5. Always put your faith and trust in God and Jesus--They truly know and love us and have a plan for us. Every trial we go through is for our own good and will bring us closer to Them.
So, when we found out about Blake's diagnosis, I assumed (which was my first mistake) that we'd talk about it and let it all sink in for a bit, and learn more about it, before we told our children. (Most of our kids are grown and out of the house now.) Well, we had dinner that evening with one of our sons and his wife. We were just talking about every day things, when Blake blurted out, "I have Aspergers." What?!? Totally took us ALL by surprise! :) I couldn't believe he just told them like that--but then realized that it fit right in with his newly discovered diagnosis. :) Not understanding social norms? Check. :) The kids and I were laughing and he had no idea what was so funny. I told him that it might have been better to announce something like that in a different setting and maybe with all of the kids together. He said, "Oh, I didn't think it was a big deal." I love my Aspie husband!
So, over the next few days, we let the other kids know, but still hadn't had a real discussion with them about it. We then discovered that a couple of our kids didn't believe that the diagnosis was true. In fact, one of them actually thought it was me that came up with the diagnosis and that I convinced Blake and the psychiatrist that my husband had AS.
I was pretty devastated to find out about this child's views on this. I have to admit, I had a little pity party. I was feeling so hurt that I'd tried, for 26 years, to protect our kids from knowing what Blake was really like--his insensitivities to them and me, his selfishness, his dishonesties, his controlling-ness, etc. And, now that we actually know what's going on, my kids (well at least one of them) are blaming me?! I'd lived my whole married life with Blake blaming me for everything and now my child, whom I thought I was very close to, is blaming me as well. This child made it seem like Blake was the poor picked on husband, and I was the mean wife, bullying him around. It was a hard pill to swallow.
I then started getting upset with Blake for things that I'd already worked through in the past and had forgiven him of. I knew this was wrong, but it was just so terribly upsetting to me to know that my kids look at me the way this child had explained--that I over exaggerate everything; that I'm always looking for diagnoses to excuse things; that it's me who has the problem; that I need to quit trying to fix others and worry about myself, etc. So many of those things are things Blake has expressed to me, privately, in front of the kids, and directly to them. I had always thought that he wanted the kids see the bad in me, to make himself look better. Now, I knew it'd worked, at least at some level. Again, hard pill to swallow.
Well, Blake was actually very nice and supportive during this little pity party I was having. :) He's been reading and studying so many things about AS, and he really put them into practice that day! I was so thankful for that. I know he's working so hard at figuring out how to show support, even when he doesn't feel it emotionally like non-Aspies do. He did a great job that day!
Later that night, I prayed. I didn't just pray though, I literally poured out my heart and soul to my Heavenly Father--literally cried out to Him in anguish, like I've only done a few times in my life. I told Him everything I was feeling--even the self pity stuff. :) I pleaded for help to know how to help my children see things for what they truly are. I wanted my kids to love me and recognize everything I've done for them throughout their lives--that all I have lived for all these years is them, etc.
Well, while I was praying, I had an amazing experience. I won't share the details as to how the experience occurred, as it's very sacred and special to me. However, I will share what I learned and how my feelings changed. I'm actually just going to quote from what I wrote in my journal that night.
"I've done all of this same stuff to my Heavenly Father and Savior. I have thought and felt, at times, that my life is terrible, that I'm alone, that I've lost hope, faith and trust. And all along Heavenly Father and my Savior are there, knowing that They've done so much for me; that They've loved me and tried to help me. But I haven't always recognized it and have thought I could do it on my own. I haven't always expressed my gratitude. Sometimes I've depended on the wrong things/people, instead of my Heavenly Father. I also thought of Nephi and his brothers. He did so much for them and they didn't recognize or appreciate it. But--Heavenly Father and Jesus always love me! They are always there for me. They recognize that I'm still a "kid" and am still learning. Nephi always loved and forgave his brothers and hoped they'd come around. I need to do the same with my kids--as they really are still kids, even if they are adults. They don't fully understand things. They haven't recognized all of the things I've done for them, but I did it out of love for them, not recognition, and will continue to do so. I'll always be here for them with open arms--as my Heavenly Father and Savior are for me. I'm so grateful to learn this today. I'm grateful to feel a tiny bit of what Heavenly Father and Jesus feel when all of us do these things to Them--it makes me feel a little closer to Them and to have more opportunities to try to be more like Them. That's what this life is all about! Line upon line, precept upon precept. How grateful I am for the Holy Ghost who helps me learn these things and helps me feel peace even though life gets pretty tough. I'm so grateful for my Heavenly Father and Savior who truly know me and love me, care for me and listen to me, watch our for me and teach me, and have faith and patience in me."
I don't know if that all makes sense the way I was feeling it. I hope there's something in there that will help some of you, if you're experiencing the same things.
Blake and I decided that he's going to continue his studies (he wants to make sure he has "all of his ducks in a row" before he talks to them), and when he feels ready, we'll bring the family together and discuss AS. Blake will do all of the talking, so the kids know that he knows this is real and true. Blake has told me that it is important to him that the kids accept him as an Aspie--that that's really who he is--so they'll understand him/know him better. I hope and pray that they will--for Blake's sake, not mine!
Lessons Learned:
1. Don't tell your kids things until you're prepared properly--emotionally, intellectually, spiritually.
2. When announcing something like this, bring your family together to have a discussion about it. That way, they can ask questions and get their information straight from you, not coming up with their own, sometimes false, conclusions.
3. Do things out of love for others, never for recognition. That way, if it's accepted that's great; if it's not accepted, it's still great!
4. Show gratitude, always, to God and Jesus for everything They do for us--the things we are aware of and the things we're not aware of.
5. Always put your faith and trust in God and Jesus--They truly know and love us and have a plan for us. Every trial we go through is for our own good and will bring us closer to Them.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Introduction
There are many amazing blogs out there, who help many people with different aspects of their lives. My goal is that this blog, written by an LDS woman, married to husband with Aspergers Syndrome (Aspie or AS), will be a source of insight, hope, encouragement, and support to those of you who are experiencing the same things in our lives.
My purpose of putting "LDS" in the title is because there are some challenges my husband has that relate to our religious community. I sincerely hope it doesn't turn any readers away. Whether you're Christian or not; attend organized religious activities or not; I'm certain you'll still benefit from reading this blog--take what works for you and leave the rest. :) Those of you who are LDS, will hopefully benefit from some of our experiences in our very social, members-running-the-Church, "feelings" oriented religion.
Since my husband, who I'll call Blake, was diagnosed with AS last week, we have both felt more love for each other than we have in a very long time. A diagnosis like that might, to some people, be very devastating. However to us, it's turned out to be a blessing. Blake now understands why he's felt and acted certain ways throughout his life, and I now understand why he's felt and acted certain ways throughout our marriage. And, why I have felt and acted certain ways throughout our marriage. :) I now look forward to a long, happy, fulfilling, loving earth life with my husband and a wonderful eternity together. Whereas, before the AS diagnosis, I was trying to just make it through each day, dreading the next day and even the next hour.
I'm so grateful for the blessing of good psychiatrists who can help us understand what's going on inside our brains and give us counsel as to how to adjust. I'm even more grateful for the power of the Atonement and the hope the Gospel brings. Through the Atonement, we can receive help from our Savior; to accept and overcome our own weaknesses; to accept others' weaknesses and love, forgive, help and support them; to have faith and hope in the Plan of Salvation; to completely turn our lives over to Him to carry us through our challenges.
So--here we go on our learning adventure...
My purpose of putting "LDS" in the title is because there are some challenges my husband has that relate to our religious community. I sincerely hope it doesn't turn any readers away. Whether you're Christian or not; attend organized religious activities or not; I'm certain you'll still benefit from reading this blog--take what works for you and leave the rest. :) Those of you who are LDS, will hopefully benefit from some of our experiences in our very social, members-running-the-Church, "feelings" oriented religion.
Since my husband, who I'll call Blake, was diagnosed with AS last week, we have both felt more love for each other than we have in a very long time. A diagnosis like that might, to some people, be very devastating. However to us, it's turned out to be a blessing. Blake now understands why he's felt and acted certain ways throughout his life, and I now understand why he's felt and acted certain ways throughout our marriage. And, why I have felt and acted certain ways throughout our marriage. :) I now look forward to a long, happy, fulfilling, loving earth life with my husband and a wonderful eternity together. Whereas, before the AS diagnosis, I was trying to just make it through each day, dreading the next day and even the next hour.
I'm so grateful for the blessing of good psychiatrists who can help us understand what's going on inside our brains and give us counsel as to how to adjust. I'm even more grateful for the power of the Atonement and the hope the Gospel brings. Through the Atonement, we can receive help from our Savior; to accept and overcome our own weaknesses; to accept others' weaknesses and love, forgive, help and support them; to have faith and hope in the Plan of Salvation; to completely turn our lives over to Him to carry us through our challenges.
So--here we go on our learning adventure...
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