When Family Doesn't Understand

This might be a weird place to start, but it's what's on my mind most heavily right now. I'll go back and fill you in on the experiences we've had in the past, in another post.

So, when we found out about Blake's diagnosis, I assumed (which was my first mistake) that we'd talk about it and let it all sink in for a bit, and learn more about it, before we told our children. (Most of our kids are grown and out of the house now.) Well, we had dinner that evening with one of our sons and his wife. We were just talking about every day things, when Blake blurted out, "I have Aspergers." What?!? Totally took us ALL by surprise! :) I couldn't believe he just told them like that--but then realized that it fit right in with his newly discovered diagnosis. :) Not understanding social norms? Check. :) The kids and I were laughing and he had no idea what was so funny. I told him that it  might have been better to announce something like that in a different setting and maybe with all of the kids together. He said, "Oh, I didn't think it was a big deal." I love my Aspie husband!

So, over the next few days, we let the other kids know, but still hadn't had a real discussion with them about it. We then discovered that a couple of our kids didn't believe that the diagnosis was true. In fact, one of them actually thought it was me that came up with the diagnosis and that I convinced Blake and the psychiatrist that my husband had AS.

I was pretty devastated to find out about this child's views on this. I have to admit, I had a little pity party. I was feeling so hurt that I'd tried, for 26 years, to protect our kids from knowing what Blake was really like--his insensitivities to them and me, his selfishness, his dishonesties, his controlling-ness, etc. And, now that we actually know what's going on, my kids (well at least one of them) are blaming me?! I'd lived my whole married life with Blake blaming me for everything and now my child, whom I thought I was very close to, is blaming me as well. This child made it seem like Blake was the poor picked on husband, and I was the mean wife, bullying him around. It was a hard pill to swallow.

I then started getting upset with Blake for things that I'd already worked through in the past and had forgiven him of. I knew this was wrong, but it was just so terribly upsetting to me to know that my kids look at me the way this child had explained--that I over exaggerate everything; that I'm always looking for diagnoses to excuse things; that it's me who has the problem; that I need to quit trying to fix others and worry about myself, etc. So many of those things are things Blake has expressed to me, privately, in front of the kids, and directly to them. I had always thought that he wanted the kids see the bad in me, to make himself look better. Now, I knew it'd worked, at least at some level. Again, hard pill to swallow.

Well, Blake was actually very nice and supportive during this little pity party I was having. :) He's been reading and studying so many things about AS, and he really put them into practice that day! I was so thankful for that. I know he's working so hard at figuring out how to show support, even when he doesn't feel it emotionally like non-Aspies do. He did a great job that day!

Later that night, I prayed. I didn't just pray though, I literally poured out my heart and soul to my Heavenly Father--literally cried out to Him in anguish, like I've only done a few times in my life. I told Him everything I was feeling--even the self pity stuff. :) I pleaded for help to know how to  help my children see things for what they truly are. I wanted my kids to love me and recognize everything I've done for them throughout their lives--that all I have lived for all these years is them, etc.

Well, while I was praying, I had an amazing experience. I won't share the details as to how the experience occurred, as it's very sacred and special to me. However, I will share what I learned and how my feelings changed. I'm actually just going to quote from what I wrote in my journal that night.

"I've done all of this same stuff to my Heavenly Father and Savior. I have thought and felt, at times, that my life is terrible, that I'm alone, that I've lost hope, faith and trust. And all along Heavenly Father and my Savior are there, knowing that They've done so much for me; that They've loved me and tried to help me. But I haven't always recognized it and have thought I could do it on my own. I haven't always expressed my gratitude. Sometimes I've depended on the wrong things/people, instead of my Heavenly Father. I also thought of Nephi and his brothers. He did so much for them and they didn't recognize or appreciate it. But--Heavenly Father and Jesus always love me! They are always there for me. They recognize that I'm still a "kid" and am still learning. Nephi always loved and forgave his brothers and hoped they'd come around. I need to do the same with my kids--as they really are still kids, even if they are adults. They don't fully understand things. They haven't recognized all of the things I've done for them, but I did it out of love for them, not recognition, and will continue to do so. I'll always be here for them with open arms--as my Heavenly Father and Savior are for me. I'm so grateful to learn this today. I'm grateful to feel a tiny bit of what Heavenly Father and Jesus feel when all of us do these things to Them--it makes me feel a little closer to Them and to have more opportunities to try to be more like Them. That's what this life is all about! Line upon line, precept upon precept. How grateful I am for the Holy Ghost who helps me learn these things and helps me feel peace even though life gets pretty tough. I'm so grateful for my Heavenly Father and Savior who truly know me and love me, care for me and listen to me, watch our for me and teach me, and have faith and patience in me."

I don't know if that all makes sense the way I was feeling it. I hope there's something in there that will help some of you, if you're experiencing the same things.

Blake and I decided that he's going to continue his studies (he wants to make sure he has "all of his ducks in a row" before he talks to them), and when he feels ready, we'll bring the family together and discuss AS. Blake will do all of the talking, so the kids know that he knows this is real and true. Blake has told me that it is important to him that the kids accept him as an Aspie--that that's really who he is--so they'll understand him/know him better. I hope and pray that they will--for Blake's sake, not mine!

Lessons Learned:
1. Don't tell your kids things until you're prepared properly--emotionally, intellectually, spiritually.
2. When announcing something like this, bring your family together to have a discussion about it. That way, they can ask questions and get their information straight from you, not coming up with their own, sometimes false, conclusions.
3. Do things out of love for others, never for recognition. That way, if it's accepted that's great; if it's not accepted, it's still great!
4. Show gratitude, always, to God and Jesus for everything They do for us--the things we are aware of and the things we're not aware of.
5. Always put your faith and trust in God and Jesus--They truly know and love us and have a plan for us. Every trial we go through is for our own good and will bring us closer to Them.

Introduction

There are many amazing blogs out there, who help many people with different aspects of their lives. My goal is that this blog, written by an LDS woman, married to husband with Aspergers Syndrome (Aspie or AS), will be a source of insight, hope, encouragement, and support to those of you who are experiencing the same things in our lives.

My purpose of putting "LDS" in the title is because there are some challenges my husband has that relate to our religious community. I sincerely hope it doesn't turn any readers away. Whether you're Christian or not; attend organized religious activities or not; I'm certain you'll still benefit from reading this blog--take what works for you and leave the rest. :) Those of you who are LDS, will hopefully benefit from some of our experiences in our very social, members-running-the-Church, "feelings" oriented religion.

Since my husband, who I'll call Blake, was diagnosed with AS last week, we have both felt more love for each other than we have in a very long time. A diagnosis like that might, to some people, be very devastating. However to us, it's turned out to be a blessing. Blake now understands why he's felt and acted certain ways throughout his life, and I now understand why he's felt and acted certain ways throughout our marriage. And, why I have felt and acted certain ways throughout our marriage. :) I now look forward to a long, happy, fulfilling, loving earth life with my husband and a wonderful eternity together. Whereas, before the AS diagnosis, I was trying to just make it through each day, dreading the next day and even the next hour.

I'm so grateful for the blessing of good psychiatrists who can help us understand what's going on inside our brains and give us counsel as to how to adjust. I'm even more grateful for the power of the Atonement and the hope the Gospel brings. Through the Atonement, we can receive help from our Savior; to accept and overcome our own weaknesses; to accept others' weaknesses and love, forgive, help and support them; to have faith and hope in the Plan of Salvation; to completely turn our lives over to Him to carry us through our challenges.

So--here we go on our learning adventure...